Babying With Branden: Week 4

My daughter was born October 6th 2019. It was a long hard birth that tested us both mentally, and my wife physically. I don’t think we slept more than 3 hours at a time during the first 30 days. In an attempt to keep my sanity, I decided to keep a daily journal starting on the 31st day. Things may get a little weird so bear with me, and send food. Does this baby’s poop smell like buttered popcorn? Am I going crazy, or is this some evolutionary trick to make changing your baby’s diaper 56 times a day bearable? I actually popped some buttered popcorn to do a smell test, oddly enough the poop smelt more like popcorn than the popcorn. Sorry the poop threw me off, but I want you guys to meet my popcorn poop smelling daughter, Ruby, named after my aunt that passed. I started out calling her Little Ruby, then Lil Rube, and now after a month of screaming we call her “The Baby.”

People often speak of their kids being bundles of joy, little angels or the best thing that has ever happened to them, I have not reached that point yet. I think my child may be a little butthole, I love her but she is super selfish.

After a month of waking up every hour and a half, she finally only woke up once during the night! That’s a huge accomplishment! I mean I got a total 7 hours of sleep! I’m still tired though, even after all the extra sleep I got, I’m tired. I’m starting to think that I will never feel rested again. Last night my wife asked me why there was a tomato sitting on the coffee table in the living room. I had no idea how it got there and I didn’t even see it until she picked it up. Seriously I am losing my mind! Another startling discovery was made last night, the clock stopped working. We don’t even know when it stopped, but when we figured it out, we just left the clock on the wall. We have batteries but we decided it would take too much energy to get the stepping stool, climb up, pull the clock down, reset it and put it back. Now we have a clock on the wall with the second hand ticking back and forth, compared to the banshee screams coming from my child, the low ticks are pleasant.

When people with no kids ask me how I’m doing, “I smile and tell them it’s good, I just miss sleep.” When people with kids ask me, I say “How the heck you think I’m doing?” Just kidding I don’t say that, mostly I just stare blankly at them until they apologize for asking that stupid question. Sometimes before I drive to work, I sit in my car in silence—come to think about it I sit in silence everywhere. At this point even waiting in line at the grocery store is enjoyable.

It took until 11:30 am today to realize I wore a shirt with vomit on it to work, the cold part is I don’t even care. I am at a point where I don’t care if I’m covered in bodily fluid. I want to cry, not because it’s hard, but at the idea I’m now comfortable wearing bodily fluids. Speaking of soiled clothes, my wife hasn’t put on any clothes in 3 days. I asked “why”, and she light weight screamed “Because they either get covered with breast milk or throw up!” I think she is stressed. I need to get her out the house, before that I need to put clothes on her. Let’s not even talk about the drops of milk all over the floor, I don’t have the energy to have that conversation right now.

Babying With Branden! Catch Part II next week.

Author Branden Valentine

To see more of Branden's work and short stories make sure to check out his author page, which list more of writings.

Branden Page

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